Lacey left for home today. I didn't think I would get emotional when she left, but I definitely cried the whole drive to work. I have a hard time with these feelings of sadness. I regularly scold myself because I know I am blessed, I am loved, my family is well, I have plenty of food on the table, a great roof over my head, a husband who outshines most. This really doesn't ever help. It's one thing to think about your blessings. It's another to sweep your feelings under the rug and tell yourself that they aren't valid.
They're definitely valid.
I really miss home. I miss weekly dinners with my in-laws. I miss being able to see my mom & dad whenever I needed them. I miss daily catch ups and laughs with my sister. I miss seeing Tiffany at least once a month or so. I miss our first home. I miss my neighbors and several people from work... many I realized too late that I loved so much. I miss the familiarity of the grocery stores, the comfort that comes from being a part of something for so long. I miss that Nash had somebody to play with at least once a week... and that he could go in and out as he pleased and lay in the sunshine and take a nap on winter days when it was unseasonably warm. I could go on and on.
My heart... it just aches all the time.
As I walked into work this afternoon, I thought, "I don't want to do this anymore." I feel as if I'm pretending I'm okay all the time because I know that I should find that joy from within.... and some days I just don't. Is it pathetic that I actually pictured Jesus walking beside me as I made that walk into work? There are days I just long to be held in His arms. The thought literally makes me cry on the spot. It's all I want right now.
This isn't what blogs are for, I know. These things are supposed to be happy and positive and bring a smile to your face so I'm sorry that I'm sharing this. I might vow just to stay quiet on here when I'm sad from here on out. A few times I thought about deleting it because I don't want to spread more negativity into this world.
I'm ready to be past this phase of my life, but I'm not sure that I'll ever get to live in Indiana again. That thought kills me, but I have to remember I knew that it was all a possibility when I married a pastor. I don't blame him. I know God has called him here, which means he has also called me too... I just don't feel called to anything right now and it sometimes leaves me so empty.
The End. :)
2 comments:
I want to reach through my screen and give you a big 'ole hug right now!! I know words probably won't fix the problem, but let me say that I can completely understand and relate to how you feel :) I felt exactly how you described pretty much the whole 4 years we lived in Minnesota... and for now that we live here (still 3 hours away) I feel better about it. Not sure if time will ever help the situation, but I will be praying peace for you. I love you, friend!
PS- don't ever feel bad about showing your true emotions on the blog or in person... you need others to help you through. and everything you are feeling is quite normal.
I'm glad you shared! I will be praying for you. I'm sorry you're sad. If you ever want to escape you can always come stay a couple of days at my place. I love you! Oh and I love that you pictured Jesus walking beside you...I've done that so many times.
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